Get Out of My Head

So as some of you already know, I've been working diligently to keep the kind concerns of my midwives at arms length.  My weight has been on their radar since sometime in January.  It started off innocently enough by mentioning that I was still not back to my pre-pregnancy weight, after having lost 5 lb in the first 12 weeks thanks to morning sickness.  They stated no concern at the time.  Just followed the statement up with an, "oh but don't get carried away either.  Your not eating for two.  You should only be eating an additional 300 calories a day".  I like to think of it as eating for 1 & 1/4.  So I noted what they said & wasn't really worried about my eating habits anyway.  I mostly just smiled & thought to myself, I'm the least of your worries.  Truly knowing that I am. 

I love food.  I love really good food.  And I've kind of been fanatical about it since I left home at 18 years old & began feeding myself.  After college I worked with a food photographer, who just sent me deeper into my obsession with amazing food.  And living in NYC has harbored such a deep appreciation for food that it's actually a reason to never leave the city.  And a justifiable one at that.  I can argue in this favor if given the opportunity.   

Once my appetite returned, I was happy to dig back into the yummy foods I had been missing.  First stop was India, with a healthy dose of Chicken Kurma, Potato Samosas, Shag Ponir, & Naan.  It's true I do remember what I had for dinner 20 weeks ago.  It was just that memorable.  And if you had eaten one Cherrio at a time for 4 weeks straight, you too would remember the first supper you were able to put down & like it. 

So last week when they again mentioned that I wasn't putting on weight at a rate that they were comfortable with, as they have said repeatedly at every appointment since January, I was officially annoyed.  And then offended when they added the question, "Are you restricting calories?".  I realized right then & there that they didn't trust me.  And a growing anxiety began to build when I realized that without them trusting me, I couldn't fully trust them either.  I left that appointment very upset & followed a series of sequences to put myself back on track.  First stop call my husband.  He was mad.  Second stop call aunts & girlfriend.  One aunt says oh just eat more & shut them up.  The other says take it with a grain of salt, everyone in the medical provider community wants to fit their patients into a neat little "normal" box, and you're not fitting.  Then my surrogate mom tells me I'm fine & arms me with ammo.  Keep a food journal she says.  That way they can actually see for themselves the quantity & quality of what you are eating.  At the next appointment share it with them & ask for a referral to a nutritionist.  Then the nutritionist can back up my caloric intake with regards to my weight gain.  And finally tell them to stop it.  From this moment forward a midwife's goal should not only be to ensure healthy fetal development, but to also foster confidence in the mother. 

So that's what I am doing.  And I have to admit that keeping a food journal is really annoying.  And like my first supper post morning sickness, I look forward to my first meal post food journal.  I'll probably remember exactly what I ate & likely know the portion too because I'm getting pretty good at eyeballing measured amounts.  The guessing part has become a bit of a sport in an effort to maintain my sanity.  I feel like I have won some invisible prize when I confirm the guess against my measuring cups & spoons.  If anything this lesson will have prepared me for a career in a test kitchen.